Healing Together: Helping Couples Cope with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Early Infant Loss

 

For many couples, a miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant loss is the greatest loss they have ever experienced together. Yet, husbands and wives often feel alone in their grief. Certainly there are marriages that have been strengthened by a shared loss, but more common is the marriage that suffers under the weight and stress of mourning.

The Meaning of the Loss                     

A major task for the pregnant woman is to accept the fetus as part of herself. The well—being of her baby becomes intertwined with her own feeling of self-worth. If her baby dies (even very early in her pregnancy), her self-imagine and sense of competency may be shattered.

Since a father does not experience any physical changes during pregnancy, the early months of his wife’s pregnancy may not feel very real to him. As the pregnancy progresses, the reality of the baby becomes clearer to the father. Men tend not to experience an early miscarriage as an acutely personal loss, but they usually find a second trimester loss or stillbirth more painful because they have seen and felt physical evidence of their child.

Healing Together: Helping Couples Cope with Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Early Infant Loss was co-authored by Marcie K. Lister, ACSW and Sandra M. Lovell, RN, ACSW for the October 1990 issues of Bereavement              Magazine.

This article is several pages long and will not fit in this column, therefore, we broke the article into several pieces. In our next issue of New Horizons, we will share their next two headings: Grieving the Loss and Guilt.

 

Sleeping Angels: When Miracles Become Memories

 "But burying infants, we bury the future, unwieldly and unknown, full of promise and possibilities, outcomes punctuated by our rosy hopes..."

It is the loss that no one ever expects-the sudden loss of a pregnancy. The delivery of the stillborn. The death of the infant. The grief that parents and grandparents experience with these losses are different than most. We grieve the future these little angels will never get to experience. 

On our Sleeping Angels: When Miracles Become Memories, we will share with you pieces that we feel may help you on your grief journey, that we hope will provide you help, guidance and comfort. 

Know that we are here for you, and will do everything we can to assist you. 

Grief and Father's Day: Remembering Your Child

 

Father's Day, like other holidays, can be a trying time for those grieving-especially for fathers who have lost a child. While losing a loved one is never easy, losing a child is one of the most painful challenges we can face in life. The pain of loss can consume all we do, making it feel impossible to find joy. That pain can also rob us of celebrating life's happiest moments, like Father's Day, as celebrations become just another reminder of what we have lost.

Whether this is your first Father's Day following the loss of a child or if it's been years since their passing, your grief may be overpowering your joy. You may be dreading the thought of celebrating Father's Day. You may even wonder if you are allowed to celebrate Father's Day if your loss was of your only child. 

No matter how much pain you're feeling, remember that you and your family are allowed to enjoy special days while grieving. The key is finding a balance between joy and grief. 

So, this Father's Day, lead your loved ones in celebrating the paternal figures in your life and the memory of your child. Remember the positive impact you child had on you, your spouse/partner, and your other children. Here are a few ideas to help you get started.

Honor You Child's Memory

Your child's memory will be with you forever, but it can be hard to remember the good times when grief consumes all you do. Use Father's Day as an opportunity to honor your child's memory by taking part in their favorite activity. You can watch their favorite movie, eat their favorite meal, play their favorite game, or do something else they enjoyed. This intentional activity can help you feel closer to your child and make Father's Day truly special for you and your family. 

Tell Favorite Stories of Your Child

When we lose a loved one, the pain of loss can sometimes grip our ability to talk about them. That's why sharing heartfelt stories of your loved one is important. Stories can help you acknowledge the reality of the loss and move you toward healthy grieving. The same is true if you've lost a child. Share stories of your child that make you laugh, smile, or even cry. But ultimately, share stories that make you proud to be their dad. Your child touched so many lives, so embrace their impact together as a family. 

Share Your Love and Support for Your Family

Sometimes it takes losing a loved one for us to understand the importance of saying 'I love you.' Whether you say it every day or typically keep your emotions to yourself, tell your family how much they mean to you this Father's Day. Let your words speak life and support your family on their grief journey. Father's Day is the perfect time to express how much your family means to you. You can even write notes or letters to your surviving children, letting them know how much you care.

Take Time to Reflect

Spending time with your family on Father's Day is important, but you may need a few moments for yourself as you grieve the loss of your child. You'll likely feel a mix of emotions, which is perfectly normal. So, take time to reflect on your loss without distractions. Write your thoughts in a journal. Visit your child's grave. Speak to a trusted friend or mentor, if you don't want to be alone. All these options can help you take account of your emotions on what may be a difficult day. 

Make Father's Day Special

Balancing joy and grief is one of the most difficult things we can do in times of loss. Yet, finding that balance is also one of the most important things we can do to heal. You may believe that it's wrong for you to celebrate Father's Day with your family, but finding happiness through your pain is key to healthy grieving. Enjoy the time you have with your family, go out for a nice dinner, and smile as you unwrap your Father's Day gifts. Though grief never leaves us, it also should stay at the forefront of our lives forever. 

If you've experienced the horrible pain of losing a child, you know that holidays, like Father's Day, can be difficult. But find peace in knowing that your grief is proof of your intense love for your child, and that love with never fade. Instead of fearing Father's Day, use that special Sunday in June to remember all the joy your child brought you and your family. And don't forget, your child will live forever in your memory, so you'll never have to celebrate Father's Day without them. 

Grief and Father's Day: Remembering Your Child was penned for funeralbasics.org, a website designed with the funeral consumer in mind to provide them with quick and accurate information.